"When Technology Fails to Communicate" (or I could also title this, "No, I am not pregnant.")

Interesting title, huh? Allow me to explain:

I have more than made my feelings about another pregnancy quite clear to my family (um, no thank you). However, Christmas Day, I was made aware of their expectation of a big announcement. (My answer is still, um, no thanks.)

It was quite comical, really.

On the road from TN to KY, I sent a series of text messages back & forth to my siblings who were already at mom & dad's house.

The texts I sent were VERY straight forward and purely about our travels. Apparently, they were reading between the lines (the lines that were non-existent, I might add) and were just sure I was trying to tell them something.

Here, let me show you:

TEXT #1:
Ellen: "Got a late start. Big surprise! Be there around 1:30 pm"
Ellen Translation: "We got away late. That's not really surprising, now is it? [sarcasm implied]. We'll arrive around 1:30 pm"
Family translation: "We have a BIG SURPRISE!!!! Can't wait to see you around 1:30pm and tell you what our BIG SURPRISE is!!!!"

TEXT #2:
Ellen: "eta 4 cousins?"
Ellen's translation: "What is the estimated time of arrival for the other cousins?"
Family translation: "There are not 3 cousins coming with me from Nashville, but 4 FOUR, count 'em, FOUR cousins (1-John, 2-Maddy, 3-Will, 4-NEW BABY!!!!)"

Lastly, a CELL PHONE CONVERSATION:
Ellen: "When we get to the house, you all stay inside because the kids have a surprise for you. They want to ring the doorbell and do something, so just stay inside until we get there."
Ellen's translation: John & Maddy had been practicing Christmas carols and wanted to serenade the family with a new tune...but wanted to do it "carol style" by ringing the doorbell.
Family Translation: THIS IS IT!!!! THEY ARE GOING TO ANNOUNCE THE PENDING BIRTH OF YET ANOTHER PRECIOUS GRANDCHILD! The kids will have on "I'm a big brother/sister" t-shirts and this is going to be awesome.

I really should have kept their fantasy going, though--they were SO nice to me! "Ellen--you sit here and relax for a spell. A woman in your condition shouldn't be working so hard....Here, let me fix you a plate.....Oh, allow me to chase Will for a while! You just rest....."

So sorry to disappoint, but it's not happening, folks. And if I were having Nashville Cousin #4, I can guarantee you I wouldn't be announcing it via text (as my sister in law Aimee so comically pointed out). You'd probably have to pick me up off the floor!

Merry Christmas!!!

We've been up since 6:15 am (the kids let us sleep in this year!) and have done the presents, eaten the cinnamon rolls, and the kids are now playing silently with all the new toys. It's a Silent Morning and I love it! We've had a fabulous Christmas so far--looking forward to spending a few days in KY with my family!

I'll leave you with a few seasonal photos:

Our annual trip to see the Ace Hardware Santa Claus

The theme of this Christmas, for us, has been "Will screaming." If you were "lucky enough" to receive our family Christmas card, you will notice this thread continuing nicely in that photo. Oh, what the heck, I'll post it here again. It was just lovely enough to share once more:

MERRY CHRISTMAS, everybody!

and of course, a very Happy New Year!

My long term memory works just fine, thank you.

This morning, Michael asked me what I had going on today. I said I needed to wrap...(as in "wrap presents".)

In an attempt to be funny, he proceeds to spray me with a stream of saliva in a fit of beat boxing...(as in "rap songs").

In an attempt to be even funnier than he is (always my goal), I consulted the very back, very dark recesses of my brain and came up with a CHRISTMAS RAP, courtesy of Run DMC:

"It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens. Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens"

He busted out laughing so hard and had to know WHERE the heck that came from? You think you know your own wife....then she comes up with Run DMC lyrics. He's not so sure about anything anymore.

Now, mind you, I have never rapped in my life. I had no idea I even knew that song. So, of course I had to consult the only person who would likely know why and how I knew this song.

A phone call to my older brother Keith confirmed indeed that he was responsible for exposing me to this video over and over one Christmas. He then went onto sing the rest of the rap for me and so, now you know that my entire family is officially crazy.

If you'd like to see for yourself, click here and prepare to be dazzled by the talents of Run DMC.

Thank you, Nestle.

A few weeks ago, I played a little game with some girlfriends about holiday traditions. There were 3 questions:

IF NOT FOR YOUR KIDS, which holiday traditions would you:

1. want to ditch?

2. want to begin?

3. want to keep forever & ever and make them feel guilty if they don't do it too when they grow up.

My answers:

1. DITCH: I would totally ditch the whole mess of making sugar cookies and decorating. It is SO messy. You find sprinkles in all the crevices of your kitchen for months afterwards. Not to mention the sugar high and crash that ensues. Plus red dye frosting stains your countertops. Fights break out over who gets to decorate THAT angel because THIS angel has a broken wing. Did I mention that I do not like making cookies with my kids? I feel so guilty admitting this! I mean, what kind of mother am I? I could get my motherhood license revoked for this confession.

2. BEGIN: go to a midnight mass or candlelight service and then sleep in the next day.

3. KEEP: reading Christmas story from Luke and a big breakfast on Christmas morning.

Well, glory be! I have had the honor of revising my "Ditch" answer because Nestle has come up with the best thing since sliced bread. "Christmas Shapes Sugar Cookies". It's a package that has the shapes already cut out. You just bake and decorate with the pack of icing already mixed and ready to stain, eh, I mean spread.

Oh yes, I'm sure you've seen it and given it a little snide glance as you strolled past this "kit" on your way to the baking aisle to pick up your granulated sugar, vanilla, eggs, and flour to make a Homemade Christmas.

But, I have no shame. My "Mom of Excellence" status has been redeemed and I am back in my kids' good graces because we bought this kit and did the sugar cookie baking/decorating thing on Saturday. And I stayed happy and joyful and loving through the whole experience.

Nestle has saved Christmas, once again.

If you want, post a comment and answer my questions: Had you no children to dictate how Christmas is run around your home: What would you ditch? What would you start? And lastly, what tradition do you hope to keep for all time?

Crime & Punishment

When Will became mobile, he quickly discovered a great little spot in our house we like to call the toilet. No, he's not an early potty trainer--he prefers to splash in it with his hands. G-R-O-S-S. Grody. Really nasty habit, if you ask me. He has a sensor on his body that alerts him at the very moment that the bathroom door has been left ajar.

So, I posted little signs on all our bathroom doors..."PLEASE CLOSE DOOR" [notice that I did demand politely].

I talked with the whole family about it. I demonstrated how it was done. I sang songs about closing the bathroom door. I even made certain people who were responsible for leaving the door open SCOUR Will's hands when he was caught in the act of potty splashing.

Well, enough is enough.

A few weeks ago, John was the one responsible and I was just tired of it.

So, I came up with a sure-fire solution to get him to remember. And...it served double duty! He needed a little extra handwriting tutoring, so I had him write 50 times:

"I will remember to close the bathroom door."

And it's WORKED! He is the ultimate bathroom door closer in our family.

Now...any ideas for how to get my husband to remember?

That's my boy!

Will's first words were "mamamama" and "dadadadada". We're not sure which one came first and there is hot debate in our house over who won his heart first.

However, we discovered this week that his next word was none other than...

COOKIE.

[it sounds a little like "cooka" however, but you know what he means, right?]

He has become our resident Cookie Monster this Christmas with treats everywhere we go. The funny thing is, he's still got little skinny legs, but that's probably from all the moving he does. The boy does not stop. Unless he is in bed asleep, he is on the move!

Which makes for one tired "mamamamama".

Biggest Loser--the Biggest Finale!

Oh, we've worked so hard to get to this point, readers, and here we are!!!

The goosebumps have already formed on my arms and my eyes are already teary. This is the best episode. This is why we watch! This is what makes it all worth it! I love seeing the look of satisfaction and peace and happiness on their faces when they show up at the finale having more than reached their goals.

Here we go:

Recap, recap, recap. It's amazing to watch the recaps and see the contestants from the beginning--they have changed so much!

Recap, recap, recap.

Recap, more recap, followed by a touch more recap.


Ed vs. Heba:
Who did I vote for? Well, no one, actually. But, who did America vote for? Let's take a look.

Let's see how Heba did at home...SHE LOOKS AMAZING!!!!! She does not look like the same person. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

Let's check out Ed now....NO WAY! He is looking so good! Again, like a totally different person.

I'm so proud of the orange team!

ED WON AMERICA'S VOTE. Even though he pled (pleaded?) for America to vote for Heba. Ed blamed the economy....I think it's because Heba was so tight with mean ol' Vicki the whole season and everybody wanted to punish her for that. I do feel bad for her. That has got to be humiliating....I truly feel sorry for her.

Now it's time to see the 13 elminated contestants:

And they just look great. I especially can't believe how good the ladies look! Stacey takes the lead early on, followed by Phil just shortly, followed by Amy! Amy & Phil (husband and wife/red team) were SO close in their weight loss percentages, but Amy just BARELY won. Good for her!

Heba's weighing in now. And, did she beat Amy? YES. Heba won the "at home" biggest loser. Too bad--I wish somebody who truly did it "at home" would've won.

The Final Weigh In

Vicky, Ed, and Michelle are going to show us their new look. The ladies are having all kinds of trouble walking in their heels tonight! Vicky almost bit the dust, same as Heba earlier in the show.

Before they weigh in, however, I REALLY hope we can get a little recap about the season. NOT. Come on, people! We have had all the recap we need! Get on with it! If you took away all the unnecessary recap and product place (Subway!) ads...you'd probably have a 45 minute show. Which would be just fine, y'all.

Ed: Starting Weight 335. Ending weight: 196. 139 pounds lost for 41.% weigh loss!

Vicky: Starting Weight 246. Ending weight: 145. 101 pounds lost for 41.06% weight loss. CLOSE, but no cigar. I'm kinda glad...I was not her biggest fan.

Michelle: Starting Weight 242. Ending weight: 132. 110 pounds lost for 45% weight loss.

YEAH!!! Michelle won! Way to go...

Wife, mother, AUTHOR??

Today I went with John on a field trip to the children's theater which gave me time to chat with his wonderful teacher a bit. She said the students' writing prompt for the morning was..."if you could ask any author any question, who would you ask and what would you ask them?"

Guess which "author" John chose?

ME!!!

Now, before you go searching amazon.com for my latest novel, there is no published work out there by me (unless you read the Kentucky Kernel at the University of Kentucky in the late '90s).

He is referring to none other than the author of this very BLOG as the one to whom he'd like to pose a question. In his eyes, banging away on this blog makes me very official.

And the question? Where is the blog reader who lives furthest away from us?

And the answer? India. I had a comment from somebody in New Delhi. I'm still in shock over that one.

Back to Bethlehem

It's cold and wet here, so I thought I'd share a story to warm your heart today!

The day after Thanksgiving, my family did a "Turkey Trot" at a park in KY. It wasn't an official organized race....just my family (there are about 19 of us) complete with race t-shirts and a half-mile course. It's a great park that gets decked out for the holidays--lights and Christmas displays all around the walking trail.

Before the "race" some of the kids wanted to do a warm up lap. Maddy tried to keep up with the boys, but couldn't and before long, she was lost. (We could still see her across the way, mind you, but she was clearly turned around and didn't know which way to go.)

When I got over to where she was, I could tell she was a little unnerved, but surprisingly not frazzled or upset. I gave her a big hug and asked her how she got lost.

"I was trying to run fast like the boys, but couldn't keep up with them! So, I got lost. But I went to the place where Jejus [Maddy code for Jesus] was born and I bowed down and asked God to please let me find a re-dult [Maddy code for adult] that I knew."

She had gone to the manger scene in the park (pictured above) and asked God for what she needed. Oh to have faith like a child!

My heart leapt within me! My daughter was lost and instead of getting frantic and worried, she went to JESUS! She knows the way.

'Tis the Season...for school Christmas programs

I am so proud of my John--he was selected to be a part of a chorus to sing at the Nashville School Board Meeting tonight! (Now, whether he was chosen for his wide vocal range or his good behavior and low risk of humiliating the school before board members, I do not know...but I just will say that either way, I'm very proud!)

They've been practicing for weeks and tonight we went to see the group perform at the school board meeting. I have to say, I was blown away! I couldn't believe how sweet this very diverse group of public school kids looked as they sang these holiday tunes. They weren't the "traditional" Christmas songs we've all heard a million times--these were some fresh tunes that I'd never heard before. And let me tell you--they were harmonizing! There were parts! It was amazing! I didn't know my child was capable of these musical feats, but alas, he is!

Off to Applebee's to celebrate. Bless their heart, they gave all the kids a free meal. There were over 50 people there in our group between students, parents, and teachers/chaperones. It was WILD.

SO....all that to say, yes, I know that Biggest Loser is on and yes, I know I'm very committed to be blogging it, but it just might not get done tonight....

Other stuff going on with us....
**Maddy's having asthma issues. Pray for her! She was in bad shape last night--we were pretty close to taking her to the ER, but after another breathing treatment and lots of prayer...she improved. Oh, and yes, she's on oral steroids. Which means, she acts like she's on steroids. Which means I should expect some phone calls from the preschool this week when she takes somebody out on the playground for looking at her the wrong way.

**Will is darn cute. I mean it. SO stinkin' cute!!! He's started winking at me and I am in love.

**Sparkpeople is still a part of my life...even though it's the holidays. I even managed to lose 1/4 pound over Thanksgiving! (Look at that number again, please: Not 1 pound, not 4 pounds...but a quarter of a pound. And I was THRILLED. Seems small, but it's oh so much better than gaining which is my holiday norm!) I have officially lost that old friend "7 pounds" (see the original Sparkpeople post) and hope to keep going for a few more pounds to add a little buffer.

**Reading Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series. OH MY GOODNESS! It is amazing. It's become a bit obsessive. I don't want to eat or sleep or interact with the world--just read. Of course that's not possible, so I'm taking my time and enjoying the series.

Treadmill + Cookie Dough = ????

Going to a cookie swap tonight. I made the dough this morning before I left for the Y to workout.

I picked up my friend Micah to go pound the treadmill and felt the need to alert her to the fact that I had just consumed an incalculable amount of cookie dough. Before I would drive any further, I needed assurance that if I upchucked on the treadmill she wouldn't abandon me. There's nothing worse than throwing up and having nobody there to console you. Am I right on that or what!

Thankfully I finished the workout, came home and cooked said cookie dough....well, part of it anyways. The rest is on my waist, hips and thighs.

Merry Christmas.

The Biggest Loser, Week 11, Dec 2

NEW YORK CITY! Makeovers! Tyra Banks Show! Sounds like heaven. Well, maybe not heaven, but sounds pretty fun.

They all look fabulous with their new hairstyles and clothes! Heba is absolutely beautiful, don't you think? And I love Renee's hair short like that. She was too old to have hair that long before. Looks fab now!

Vicky seems to be straightening up a bit in this hour. Did you see this blog that was on yahoo's homepage today? She is making quite a name for herself this season as "Reality TV's Biggest Villain."

The Challenge
They have to wedge themselves between two pieces of plexiglass over a pool of water--about 12 feet up in the air. The person who hangs on longest gets a 2 week ranch vacation. (No, not the one that I lost earlier this week, a different one.) Vicky takes herself out of the competition right away and has some major aquaphobia going on. BUT she doesn't jump.....she just sits there and refuses to jump because she's afraid. One by one they all drop out except MICHELLE (YEAH FOR THE BLACK TEAM!).

Vicky sits up there still until Ed jumps in the water to help her. Not sure what that was all about. I couldn't tell if it was all a big show or play for sympathy or what. Your thoughts?

The Weigh In
Vicky: Lost 4 Pounds (down to 176 pounds)
Renee: Lost 4 Pounds (down to 195 pounds)
Michelle: Lost 5 Pounds (down to 171 pounds)
Ed: Lost 3 Pounds (down to 250)
Heba: Lost 7 Pounds (down to 217)

Looks like Ed & Renee will be in the elimination room...

Elimination
Renee is going home. She almost made it to the finals...but it was not meant to be.
Love her speech at the end! "I may not be the biggest loser, but I feel like I'm the biggest winner for being here." TEAR JERKER!

How's she look now?
Wowwee! She's lost 95 pounds. That's amazing. love her hair, makeup, wardrobe. She's doing great!

OK, people. We're almost done. Only 2 episodes left. Next week is a regular episode to figure out who will be in the finale and then there's the live finale!!!

I'm The Biggest CONTEST Loser

I didn't win.

We're not going to Montana.

I'm not going to be giving Land's End Outerwear for Christmas.

You can read the winning entries here.

My sweet family has already started sending their condolences to me and cheering me up--
Keith (my bro) was the first to point out that the winners all played the sympathy card big time. My story was one of happiness and mirth. (Don't you just love when you get to use the word "mirth"?) Guess I'll know which way to write my next contest entry. Kleenex, anyone?

Beth (my sis) wrote the following in an email to me and I'm doing alright now. Thanks Sis!

"Well, I just looked on the web-site and saw that Ellen's entry was not a winner in the eyes of Land's End. But, she and her writing will always be a winner in my heart! I haven't read all of the winning entries yet that they posted, but I know that our family always has the most fun of anyone I know. Good try, Ellen! I guess we'll be getting something other than cashmere for Christmas."

Winner of Contest will be announced this week

Soon, we shall know! Am I Montana bound?

Click here to see the contest website.